Reflecting
Things for once in my life have become calm. A certain aspect of life I longed for in my days of crisis. However after having to adapt and survive for so long, probably about 15 years, I find it difficult to relax and enjoy this bliss. A friend and I were talking about my life. How certain chains of events have left me the way I am. We came up with an analogy of my life:
A child walks out into the world knowing that they are not a grown up but believes that they are. In an effort to rebel or find individuality I wanted to go to the store by myself. I thought I knew the way and I walked into the woods to take a short cut. However the woods had a war that I was never warned about. I had been beaten and stabbed and lied to, trampled on by even the ones younger than me. I lost my ability to trust anyone. I was a victim so long, trying to keep my innocence and my love of life, refusing to give up that special part of me. I realized that to survive and make it out of these woods I must give that up, and become a fighter. I found a knife probably from a fight that I had won by finally fighting back and no longer being a victim. I got myself a safe place to attack anything that might be a threat. I don’t know if the war went elsewhere or if I learned to defeat my adversaries but I haven’t had to fight in a while. I see flowers forming around me. Now I am too scared to even pick one up and smell it for if I do I might be attacked again for not being prepared. I see them and enjoy them but I cannot let my guard down, even for a minute. I am finally starting to heal from all the scars and open wounds I still have.
My friend wants me to give him my knife and let him fight for me. As nice as that sounds three things could happen if I did that. 1. He doesn’t know how to fight the wars I have been fighting and is making an uneducated decision am might get us killed. 2. He might stab me in the long run. 3. He could fight our wars and live happy ever after.
Is it time to believe in fairytales? After so long of seeing the real world or at least the world that I have been given or landed in how can one go back to being a child? Yet if I cannot find the ability to trust or believe how can I have what childhood dreams I still have. And I might just loose the one thing that has made some of these flowers grow.
I am still waiting to fight again. I have got what I have always wanted but I only allow myself to recognize it and enjoy it with guards up. Maybe in time it will be proven that it is okay to stop fighting or think that I will have to fight as hard as I have been. I am no longer fighting to survive I am fighting for what I want. I just don’t want to wake up one morning and loose everything that I have worked so hard for. That happened once and I know I couldn’t handle it again.
A child walks out into the world knowing that they are not a grown up but believes that they are. In an effort to rebel or find individuality I wanted to go to the store by myself. I thought I knew the way and I walked into the woods to take a short cut. However the woods had a war that I was never warned about. I had been beaten and stabbed and lied to, trampled on by even the ones younger than me. I lost my ability to trust anyone. I was a victim so long, trying to keep my innocence and my love of life, refusing to give up that special part of me. I realized that to survive and make it out of these woods I must give that up, and become a fighter. I found a knife probably from a fight that I had won by finally fighting back and no longer being a victim. I got myself a safe place to attack anything that might be a threat. I don’t know if the war went elsewhere or if I learned to defeat my adversaries but I haven’t had to fight in a while. I see flowers forming around me. Now I am too scared to even pick one up and smell it for if I do I might be attacked again for not being prepared. I see them and enjoy them but I cannot let my guard down, even for a minute. I am finally starting to heal from all the scars and open wounds I still have.
My friend wants me to give him my knife and let him fight for me. As nice as that sounds three things could happen if I did that. 1. He doesn’t know how to fight the wars I have been fighting and is making an uneducated decision am might get us killed. 2. He might stab me in the long run. 3. He could fight our wars and live happy ever after.
Is it time to believe in fairytales? After so long of seeing the real world or at least the world that I have been given or landed in how can one go back to being a child? Yet if I cannot find the ability to trust or believe how can I have what childhood dreams I still have. And I might just loose the one thing that has made some of these flowers grow.
I am still waiting to fight again. I have got what I have always wanted but I only allow myself to recognize it and enjoy it with guards up. Maybe in time it will be proven that it is okay to stop fighting or think that I will have to fight as hard as I have been. I am no longer fighting to survive I am fighting for what I want. I just don’t want to wake up one morning and loose everything that I have worked so hard for. That happened once and I know I couldn’t handle it again.
posted by Unknown at 9:45 AM
1 Comments:
That's a really interesting analysis of your life, you seem to be a very strong person, and I guess that comes with age and wisdom, and the growth comes from the battles and the scars.
This reminds me of a time in my life a few years ago. It's not the same thing, but I think I used to live in a world of fantasy, somewhat viewing life differently, making believe to make me happy, pretending certain things and people were in my life that really weren't, and strangely it worked for me, but I "cut it out" b/c I thought it would become reality to me and I didn't wanna go crazy.
I kinda came up with an evaluation of myself last night, but I haven't posted it because it was like one post immediately behind another b/c I had a moment similar to yours where I was like "Wait! I think this makes sense! let em get it out before I forget..."
but yeah, like you told me... you are always right ;) so i think you might be right about this one, too
to me, life's really cool when you take the time to evaluate/analyze it sometimes...
it's not always fair, but it's what we have to go through to learn about ourselves and everything...
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