Abuse Vs. Dysfunction
The people out there that actually check this page from time to time are probably the same people who know me personally. I thank you for having a continuing intrigue to my personal thoughts.
My Mother and I were having a conversation the other night that led me to start writing this. She said that my choice in men have gotten better but I still have a habit of choosing men that the relationship is in some way dysfunctional. For those of you who know I was in a relationship with "Beautiful" for almost 3 years. That would be my second longest relationship. I have only had 3 real relationships in my life and they have inevitably had something terribly wrong with them.
1. Joe – First long term boyfriend. Tall, handsome, good sense of humor, and actually interested in me. Lets make a note that I was 17 when we first started dating. About 3 months into this relationship he called me a bad name. It started with a C and it rhymed with Hunt. I got out of the car that he was driving and proceeded to walk home (which was about 20 miles away). After weighing the which is worse scenarios I decided that I should forgive him for calling me that name. Very bad choice. I didn’t really know what love was but I guess this is it. My first boyfriend. Didn’t really know much about sex so I didn’t know what an orgasm was let alone that it wasn’t normal not to have one. I think toward the end I was happy that he was a 2 pump wonder. He would buy me roses and tell me he loved me. Then it escalated to the occasional pushing and the frequent kicking. But he never raised a hand to me but I still managed to be bruised and hurt. Not abuse, he never hit me. Never believe that excuse. He had full control of the money and full control of what I did. Even though I made most of the money and the car and house I paid for I had to deposit my check in the bank and he held the check book where I got an allowance for the week. Usually $50. That was gas, cigarettes, and food. Anything more than that was preapproved by him. Which made getting his birthday and Christmas present very interesting. Typically I would save $5 a week. Since his Birthday was in June that would give me 6 months between the 2. However nothing I got was good enough for him. Our relationship finally ended after he held me in mid air by my throat. After which he locked me in a closet. My vocal cords were permanently damaged by this incident which as he stated was not abuse.
2. Bobby – Well he is in here a lot. This was a 2 year relationship. Which as compared to Joe was a fairytale. He was analytical and he loved to debate. He never called me a name and never physically hurt me. In the bedroom he wasn’t up to the same par as a previous encounter but he by far wasn’t bad. He had his own insecurities and his own preferences that he enjoyed and or wanted. I was happy to accommodate for both. I did try to treat him really well as I did love him for who he was. I grew accustomed to the way he held me at night. Always so tight and so very warm. I loved the way he would make me breakfast and take me out. I enjoyed our 3 hour long conversations about nothing that always turned into some inquisitive debate. We had a lot in common mainly that we were just as lost and confused as each other. Over all I had passion, desire, love, and happiness with him. I never got bored of sex with him. Of course on that note he only would have sex no more then 2 times a month. Mostly it was only once a month. Apparently I was too difficult to please and he would get frustrated or bored. However that relationship ended twice as he cheated on me multiple times. I only caught him twice and after the second time I was finally done with him. The contracting of the STD from him 2 times was a wake up call and I thank god everyday that the HIV test came back negative.
3. We have Scott – Not his real name but I will protect him from further embarrassment. That was almost 3 years. He was kind and gentle, thoughtful and understanding. Loved my children as his own. Career minded and intelligent. A bit of a Mommas boy but non the less he would saw off his right arm before he ever hurt me or the kids. He was by far the most giving man I have ever dated. He really did try to make our relationship work. Of course there were down sides. He had only been with 2 other women before me and one was a virgin. He lived with his parents and I was not allowed over to his house. He was insanely jealous and insecure about any man that came near me. He wanted me to dress and act like a prude woman that had no sexuality to me whatsoever except when it was alone time. I could not cuss or talk in a way that could be considered inappropriate. I couldn’t look around at a restraint or movie theater or we would inevitably get into a fight as I had to be looking at another man. Come to find out all his insecurities were because he had never really broke up with another woman. The excuse was he didn’t want to hurt her. He was my logical choice. And another bad one.
So now that my 3 relationships have been explained this is a chain reaction as to what will have in the future. Out of the 3 relationships I have never “fallen in love” with them. I have loved them for different qualities and differences but never head over heels crazy about them. If I had to choose as to which relationship was the worst by far it was the first. And from the looks of it I am picking better men. Are we doomed to circle in a rash of dysfuctionality or do we just settle for the best choice. Maybe I just want too much or maybe I am still waiting for the mythical fantasy of the “right” one. Maybe I should just be happy with the experiences that life has given me and enjoy the exploration. Falling in love will be the next topic… one day.
My Mother and I were having a conversation the other night that led me to start writing this. She said that my choice in men have gotten better but I still have a habit of choosing men that the relationship is in some way dysfunctional. For those of you who know I was in a relationship with "Beautiful" for almost 3 years. That would be my second longest relationship. I have only had 3 real relationships in my life and they have inevitably had something terribly wrong with them.
1. Joe – First long term boyfriend. Tall, handsome, good sense of humor, and actually interested in me. Lets make a note that I was 17 when we first started dating. About 3 months into this relationship he called me a bad name. It started with a C and it rhymed with Hunt. I got out of the car that he was driving and proceeded to walk home (which was about 20 miles away). After weighing the which is worse scenarios I decided that I should forgive him for calling me that name. Very bad choice. I didn’t really know what love was but I guess this is it. My first boyfriend. Didn’t really know much about sex so I didn’t know what an orgasm was let alone that it wasn’t normal not to have one. I think toward the end I was happy that he was a 2 pump wonder. He would buy me roses and tell me he loved me. Then it escalated to the occasional pushing and the frequent kicking. But he never raised a hand to me but I still managed to be bruised and hurt. Not abuse, he never hit me. Never believe that excuse. He had full control of the money and full control of what I did. Even though I made most of the money and the car and house I paid for I had to deposit my check in the bank and he held the check book where I got an allowance for the week. Usually $50. That was gas, cigarettes, and food. Anything more than that was preapproved by him. Which made getting his birthday and Christmas present very interesting. Typically I would save $5 a week. Since his Birthday was in June that would give me 6 months between the 2. However nothing I got was good enough for him. Our relationship finally ended after he held me in mid air by my throat. After which he locked me in a closet. My vocal cords were permanently damaged by this incident which as he stated was not abuse.
2. Bobby – Well he is in here a lot. This was a 2 year relationship. Which as compared to Joe was a fairytale. He was analytical and he loved to debate. He never called me a name and never physically hurt me. In the bedroom he wasn’t up to the same par as a previous encounter but he by far wasn’t bad. He had his own insecurities and his own preferences that he enjoyed and or wanted. I was happy to accommodate for both. I did try to treat him really well as I did love him for who he was. I grew accustomed to the way he held me at night. Always so tight and so very warm. I loved the way he would make me breakfast and take me out. I enjoyed our 3 hour long conversations about nothing that always turned into some inquisitive debate. We had a lot in common mainly that we were just as lost and confused as each other. Over all I had passion, desire, love, and happiness with him. I never got bored of sex with him. Of course on that note he only would have sex no more then 2 times a month. Mostly it was only once a month. Apparently I was too difficult to please and he would get frustrated or bored. However that relationship ended twice as he cheated on me multiple times. I only caught him twice and after the second time I was finally done with him. The contracting of the STD from him 2 times was a wake up call and I thank god everyday that the HIV test came back negative.
3. We have Scott – Not his real name but I will protect him from further embarrassment. That was almost 3 years. He was kind and gentle, thoughtful and understanding. Loved my children as his own. Career minded and intelligent. A bit of a Mommas boy but non the less he would saw off his right arm before he ever hurt me or the kids. He was by far the most giving man I have ever dated. He really did try to make our relationship work. Of course there were down sides. He had only been with 2 other women before me and one was a virgin. He lived with his parents and I was not allowed over to his house. He was insanely jealous and insecure about any man that came near me. He wanted me to dress and act like a prude woman that had no sexuality to me whatsoever except when it was alone time. I could not cuss or talk in a way that could be considered inappropriate. I couldn’t look around at a restraint or movie theater or we would inevitably get into a fight as I had to be looking at another man. Come to find out all his insecurities were because he had never really broke up with another woman. The excuse was he didn’t want to hurt her. He was my logical choice. And another bad one.
So now that my 3 relationships have been explained this is a chain reaction as to what will have in the future. Out of the 3 relationships I have never “fallen in love” with them. I have loved them for different qualities and differences but never head over heels crazy about them. If I had to choose as to which relationship was the worst by far it was the first. And from the looks of it I am picking better men. Are we doomed to circle in a rash of dysfuctionality or do we just settle for the best choice. Maybe I just want too much or maybe I am still waiting for the mythical fantasy of the “right” one. Maybe I should just be happy with the experiences that life has given me and enjoy the exploration. Falling in love will be the next topic… one day.
posted by Unknown at 3:18 PM
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