Emotional

Emotions flow through me this week as I carefully examine some things in my life. I look at myself as a very caring, intelligent, open minded and motivated woman. I stand up without thought to abuse of children and animals. I never take money that doesn’t belong to me even if the cashier gives me too much change. I try really hard not to lie to people because I believe that it takes their choices from them. I don’t take things without permission. I try not to be nosey. I think of others feelings before my own. Most importantly I learn the hard way from my mistakes. Of course those are my good qualities. I do have bad qualities as well but that is not my topic for today.

Abuse hits me hard for I was in a very abusive relationship for 3 years. It slowly escaladed to him choking me and locking me in a closet for 3 days. It later took 3 surgeries to be able to have a voice again and lots of physical therapy.

I learned empathy at a very early age with Christianity. I was raised Southern Baptist and always drilled into my head about Christian behavior. Thus do unto others as you would have them to unto you.

Yet I have come so far in my life. I no longer date or get involved with those men that call me names or disrespect me. But my boyfriend of two years needs a little looking into.

He is very intelligent, motivated, charming, and has a good heart that he hides well. Yet he is still young in many aspects. He feels torn in being good and bad. Uses others to blame is bad behavior and typically is self centered. Monogamy is his biggest issue.

I typically get a bubble baths and massages, Breakfast in the morning, Conversations 4 times a day, Flowers randomly, and he never misses an event that is important to me. He has never called me names or even raised his voice. He has never even thought of raising his hand to me. He looks as my daughter as his own and tries the best that he can to be her father. We have a lot in common and share the same interests. But he believes that men were designed to be polygamous. Thus, the reason why we are not in a committed relationship.

I really just wonder how long I will continue this way. I myself have commitment issues. Yet it is usually on my terms that I chose nothing to advance. I absolutely adore him but I am getting to the point that I feel that I need to start looking to move on to better. But I guess I haven’t burned myself enough to remove the hand from the fire.