Falling in Love
When we are young and full of hormones unable to control what is going on with our bodies let alone our hearts, the feelings become overwhelming. I still remember in detail my first crush and my first heart ache. Some may say that I was too mature for my age and others may argue that I was too young to make that decision.
The first time I had sex I was not in love with him but I still remember him as if it were last week. I remember the details of his muscles. The gentleness of his touch and the passion of that kiss. I had some feelings for him but I was far from in love. In fact I only really cared when he called it off because I treated him badly. I made a vow that day that I would never treat anyone that way again. I will admit I didn’t treat him very well. He would have done anything for me and all I did was make fun of him and tell him he meant nothing to me.
There have been many men that have come into my life since then and some I had that fiery passion for. I started a pattern of falling in love with how they made me feel. That was not falling in love with the person. I began to look at everything they could be or that I needed them to be but not what they actually were. I guess in some way I became addicted to men. One after another after another. I stayed in terrible relationships and let them treat me badly because I made that promise to myself that I would never treat another man badly again. (one night stands and sex buddies not included) I cant recall how many times my life was turned upside down over another lost relationship. After a series of very bad relationships I met one guy that treated me a little too good. Romantic picnics in the park, rose petals on the floor, breakfast in bed, (ordered food of course he couldn’t cook), Champagne and Crackers with cheese, Little notes only to be found later. I called him my Angel. The one that took a broken me, hurt, alone and showed me how much more I deserved. One day he told me that he needed to work things out with his sons mother. I remember looking at him sad to loose him but happy to have experienced this. I finally understood that saying “it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all”. I wanted him to be happy even if it wasn’t with me. Even though I think if ever he was the one that got my heart in those few months. I gave him all of me except I never truly made love to him. That part I kept to myself. I don’t think I wanted him to ever know how much I cared for him in fear of loosing him.
When he left I looked at him and asked. “How am I supposed to go on from here? How am I ever going to find someone that treats me the way you do?” He stopped dead in his tracks, turned, walked to me and held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes and said “If this relationship meant anything to you at all, you will never settle for anything less than how I treated you.” Kissed me and walked away. I don’t think I ever cried as much as I did that night. We remained friends for a year or so. He would call me in the middle of the night and come by. Not for sex but because he was scratched up and beaten. I would look at him with his torn clothes and ask why he would be in a relationship like this. He would give me the same answer… To be a good father. I began sleeping with someone else but for the first time I was emotionally closed off. I would never let the new person in. In fact I pushed him away at every given moment. The sex was great but it was mechanically magnificent.
One day my Angel called me and told me that his sons mother was leaving back to California. He loved me more than I would ever know. I had just gotten back from the hospital that day with a migraine and was still suffering the after effects of the cocktail that eases all pain. I let him come by and I held him that night. Close and we had sex. I let myself feel all the love and compassion I had in me. I was elated that my Angel had come back home to me. I held him gently and rested my hand on his face as we slept. In the morning he left. Promised me that he would be back later and I didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks. I at that time told him I was torturing myself and I cant handle him coming in and out of my life like this anymore. I told him don’t call me until you know it is over with her completely. I hung up the phone and finally went to sleep with a clear conscience. A few days later I held my son and let go of ever falling in love again. I never wanted that in my life. That night I made amends with all my demons and let go. I wasn’t with another man for a year and a half.
That man was phenomenal. The most amazing experience of my life. I loved the sex and not so much the person. He would piss me off so badly and I would just come back for more. 7 hours would feel like 30 minutes. Multiple orgasms with ease. Touching and caressing one only sees in the movies. He could play my body like a fine tuned instrument. But when I left, I got on the plane and not a single tear left my eye. I had an anger in me that left me completely blocked to everyone. I had a fight of my life ahead of me.
Now there has been two relationships since then. Maybe I am now relationship material. Now that I don’t want one. I wont let myself love like that. I killed that part of me so long ago. But the irony is that I seem to find myself loosing them to other women. A pattern of infidelity. But I wasn’t too upset leaving either one of them. I was sad that time and dedication was put into them but looked at it very logically. I have never let myself be that emotionally attached since then.
Yet now I find myself feeling alive again. And when I say Alive I feel my veins pump with things that I thought were dead. Like a vampire that hasn’t fed in so long. The warmth pulsating throughout the very core of me. I have allowed myself to trust. I allowed myself to completely give my very soul in a single instant. I felt the trembling and the loss of control. I have experienced magic on a level I didn’t think was possible. But there is no one I would rather give this to. I let it all happen with my head. Now I must pull away. I must continue what realm of normality I have created with myself and live with un altered memories. The timing is completely off and maybe one day there will be a time for us. If there isn’t then this is my one experience of a lifetime and I cherish every second I had.
The first time I had sex I was not in love with him but I still remember him as if it were last week. I remember the details of his muscles. The gentleness of his touch and the passion of that kiss. I had some feelings for him but I was far from in love. In fact I only really cared when he called it off because I treated him badly. I made a vow that day that I would never treat anyone that way again. I will admit I didn’t treat him very well. He would have done anything for me and all I did was make fun of him and tell him he meant nothing to me.
There have been many men that have come into my life since then and some I had that fiery passion for. I started a pattern of falling in love with how they made me feel. That was not falling in love with the person. I began to look at everything they could be or that I needed them to be but not what they actually were. I guess in some way I became addicted to men. One after another after another. I stayed in terrible relationships and let them treat me badly because I made that promise to myself that I would never treat another man badly again. (one night stands and sex buddies not included) I cant recall how many times my life was turned upside down over another lost relationship. After a series of very bad relationships I met one guy that treated me a little too good. Romantic picnics in the park, rose petals on the floor, breakfast in bed, (ordered food of course he couldn’t cook), Champagne and Crackers with cheese, Little notes only to be found later. I called him my Angel. The one that took a broken me, hurt, alone and showed me how much more I deserved. One day he told me that he needed to work things out with his sons mother. I remember looking at him sad to loose him but happy to have experienced this. I finally understood that saying “it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all”. I wanted him to be happy even if it wasn’t with me. Even though I think if ever he was the one that got my heart in those few months. I gave him all of me except I never truly made love to him. That part I kept to myself. I don’t think I wanted him to ever know how much I cared for him in fear of loosing him.
When he left I looked at him and asked. “How am I supposed to go on from here? How am I ever going to find someone that treats me the way you do?” He stopped dead in his tracks, turned, walked to me and held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes and said “If this relationship meant anything to you at all, you will never settle for anything less than how I treated you.” Kissed me and walked away. I don’t think I ever cried as much as I did that night. We remained friends for a year or so. He would call me in the middle of the night and come by. Not for sex but because he was scratched up and beaten. I would look at him with his torn clothes and ask why he would be in a relationship like this. He would give me the same answer… To be a good father. I began sleeping with someone else but for the first time I was emotionally closed off. I would never let the new person in. In fact I pushed him away at every given moment. The sex was great but it was mechanically magnificent.
One day my Angel called me and told me that his sons mother was leaving back to California. He loved me more than I would ever know. I had just gotten back from the hospital that day with a migraine and was still suffering the after effects of the cocktail that eases all pain. I let him come by and I held him that night. Close and we had sex. I let myself feel all the love and compassion I had in me. I was elated that my Angel had come back home to me. I held him gently and rested my hand on his face as we slept. In the morning he left. Promised me that he would be back later and I didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks. I at that time told him I was torturing myself and I cant handle him coming in and out of my life like this anymore. I told him don’t call me until you know it is over with her completely. I hung up the phone and finally went to sleep with a clear conscience. A few days later I held my son and let go of ever falling in love again. I never wanted that in my life. That night I made amends with all my demons and let go. I wasn’t with another man for a year and a half.
That man was phenomenal. The most amazing experience of my life. I loved the sex and not so much the person. He would piss me off so badly and I would just come back for more. 7 hours would feel like 30 minutes. Multiple orgasms with ease. Touching and caressing one only sees in the movies. He could play my body like a fine tuned instrument. But when I left, I got on the plane and not a single tear left my eye. I had an anger in me that left me completely blocked to everyone. I had a fight of my life ahead of me.
Now there has been two relationships since then. Maybe I am now relationship material. Now that I don’t want one. I wont let myself love like that. I killed that part of me so long ago. But the irony is that I seem to find myself loosing them to other women. A pattern of infidelity. But I wasn’t too upset leaving either one of them. I was sad that time and dedication was put into them but looked at it very logically. I have never let myself be that emotionally attached since then.
Yet now I find myself feeling alive again. And when I say Alive I feel my veins pump with things that I thought were dead. Like a vampire that hasn’t fed in so long. The warmth pulsating throughout the very core of me. I have allowed myself to trust. I allowed myself to completely give my very soul in a single instant. I felt the trembling and the loss of control. I have experienced magic on a level I didn’t think was possible. But there is no one I would rather give this to. I let it all happen with my head. Now I must pull away. I must continue what realm of normality I have created with myself and live with un altered memories. The timing is completely off and maybe one day there will be a time for us. If there isn’t then this is my one experience of a lifetime and I cherish every second I had.
posted by Unknown at 11:17 AM
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