Falling in Love

When we are young and full of hormones unable to control what is going on with our bodies let alone our hearts, the feelings become overwhelming. I still remember in detail my first crush and my first heart ache. Some may say that I was too mature for my age and others may argue that I was too young to make that decision.
The first time I had sex I was not in love with him but I still remember him as if it were last week. I remember the details of his muscles. The gentleness of his touch and the passion of that kiss. I had some feelings for him but I was far from in love. In fact I only really cared when he called it off because I treated him badly. I made a vow that day that I would never treat anyone that way again. I will admit I didn’t treat him very well. He would have done anything for me and all I did was make fun of him and tell him he meant nothing to me.
There have been many men that have come into my life since then and some I had that fiery passion for. I started a pattern of falling in love with how they made me feel. That was not falling in love with the person. I began to look at everything they could be or that I needed them to be but not what they actually were. I guess in some way I became addicted to men. One after another after another. I stayed in terrible relationships and let them treat me badly because I made that promise to myself that I would never treat another man badly again. (one night stands and sex buddies not included) I cant recall how many times my life was turned upside down over another lost relationship. After a series of very bad relationships I met one guy that treated me a little too good. Romantic picnics in the park, rose petals on the floor, breakfast in bed, (ordered food of course he couldn’t cook), Champagne and Crackers with cheese, Little notes only to be found later. I called him my Angel. The one that took a broken me, hurt, alone and showed me how much more I deserved. One day he told me that he needed to work things out with his sons mother. I remember looking at him sad to loose him but happy to have experienced this. I finally understood that saying “it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all”. I wanted him to be happy even if it wasn’t with me. Even though I think if ever he was the one that got my heart in those few months. I gave him all of me except I never truly made love to him. That part I kept to myself. I don’t think I wanted him to ever know how much I cared for him in fear of loosing him.
When he left I looked at him and asked. “How am I supposed to go on from here? How am I ever going to find someone that treats me the way you do?” He stopped dead in his tracks, turned, walked to me and held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes and said “If this relationship meant anything to you at all, you will never settle for anything less than how I treated you.” Kissed me and walked away. I don’t think I ever cried as much as I did that night. We remained friends for a year or so. He would call me in the middle of the night and come by. Not for sex but because he was scratched up and beaten. I would look at him with his torn clothes and ask why he would be in a relationship like this. He would give me the same answer… To be a good father. I began sleeping with someone else but for the first time I was emotionally closed off. I would never let the new person in. In fact I pushed him away at every given moment. The sex was great but it was mechanically magnificent.
One day my Angel called me and told me that his sons mother was leaving back to California. He loved me more than I would ever know. I had just gotten back from the hospital that day with a migraine and was still suffering the after effects of the cocktail that eases all pain. I let him come by and I held him that night. Close and we had sex. I let myself feel all the love and compassion I had in me. I was elated that my Angel had come back home to me. I held him gently and rested my hand on his face as we slept. In the morning he left. Promised me that he would be back later and I didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks. I at that time told him I was torturing myself and I cant handle him coming in and out of my life like this anymore. I told him don’t call me until you know it is over with her completely. I hung up the phone and finally went to sleep with a clear conscience. A few days later I held my son and let go of ever falling in love again. I never wanted that in my life. That night I made amends with all my demons and let go. I wasn’t with another man for a year and a half.
That man was phenomenal. The most amazing experience of my life. I loved the sex and not so much the person. He would piss me off so badly and I would just come back for more. 7 hours would feel like 30 minutes. Multiple orgasms with ease. Touching and caressing one only sees in the movies. He could play my body like a fine tuned instrument. But when I left, I got on the plane and not a single tear left my eye. I had an anger in me that left me completely blocked to everyone. I had a fight of my life ahead of me.
Now there has been two relationships since then. Maybe I am now relationship material. Now that I don’t want one. I wont let myself love like that. I killed that part of me so long ago. But the irony is that I seem to find myself loosing them to other women. A pattern of infidelity. But I wasn’t too upset leaving either one of them. I was sad that time and dedication was put into them but looked at it very logically. I have never let myself be that emotionally attached since then.
Yet now I find myself feeling alive again. And when I say Alive I feel my veins pump with things that I thought were dead. Like a vampire that hasn’t fed in so long. The warmth pulsating throughout the very core of me. I have allowed myself to trust. I allowed myself to completely give my very soul in a single instant. I felt the trembling and the loss of control. I have experienced magic on a level I didn’t think was possible. But there is no one I would rather give this to. I let it all happen with my head. Now I must pull away. I must continue what realm of normality I have created with myself and live with un altered memories. The timing is completely off and maybe one day there will be a time for us. If there isn’t then this is my one experience of a lifetime and I cherish every second I had.

Abuse Vs. Dysfunction

The people out there that actually check this page from time to time are probably the same people who know me personally. I thank you for having a continuing intrigue to my personal thoughts.

My Mother and I were having a conversation the other night that led me to start writing this. She said that my choice in men have gotten better but I still have a habit of choosing men that the relationship is in some way dysfunctional. For those of you who know I was in a relationship with "Beautiful" for almost 3 years. That would be my second longest relationship. I have only had 3 real relationships in my life and they have inevitably had something terribly wrong with them.

1. Joe – First long term boyfriend. Tall, handsome, good sense of humor, and actually interested in me. Lets make a note that I was 17 when we first started dating. About 3 months into this relationship he called me a bad name. It started with a C and it rhymed with Hunt. I got out of the car that he was driving and proceeded to walk home (which was about 20 miles away). After weighing the which is worse scenarios I decided that I should forgive him for calling me that name. Very bad choice. I didn’t really know what love was but I guess this is it. My first boyfriend. Didn’t really know much about sex so I didn’t know what an orgasm was let alone that it wasn’t normal not to have one. I think toward the end I was happy that he was a 2 pump wonder. He would buy me roses and tell me he loved me. Then it escalated to the occasional pushing and the frequent kicking. But he never raised a hand to me but I still managed to be bruised and hurt. Not abuse, he never hit me. Never believe that excuse. He had full control of the money and full control of what I did. Even though I made most of the money and the car and house I paid for I had to deposit my check in the bank and he held the check book where I got an allowance for the week. Usually $50. That was gas, cigarettes, and food. Anything more than that was preapproved by him. Which made getting his birthday and Christmas present very interesting. Typically I would save $5 a week. Since his Birthday was in June that would give me 6 months between the 2. However nothing I got was good enough for him. Our relationship finally ended after he held me in mid air by my throat. After which he locked me in a closet. My vocal cords were permanently damaged by this incident which as he stated was not abuse.

2. Bobby – Well he is in here a lot. This was a 2 year relationship. Which as compared to Joe was a fairytale. He was analytical and he loved to debate. He never called me a name and never physically hurt me. In the bedroom he wasn’t up to the same par as a previous encounter but he by far wasn’t bad. He had his own insecurities and his own preferences that he enjoyed and or wanted. I was happy to accommodate for both. I did try to treat him really well as I did love him for who he was. I grew accustomed to the way he held me at night. Always so tight and so very warm. I loved the way he would make me breakfast and take me out. I enjoyed our 3 hour long conversations about nothing that always turned into some inquisitive debate. We had a lot in common mainly that we were just as lost and confused as each other. Over all I had passion, desire, love, and happiness with him. I never got bored of sex with him. Of course on that note he only would have sex no more then 2 times a month. Mostly it was only once a month. Apparently I was too difficult to please and he would get frustrated or bored. However that relationship ended twice as he cheated on me multiple times. I only caught him twice and after the second time I was finally done with him. The contracting of the STD from him 2 times was a wake up call and I thank god everyday that the HIV test came back negative.

3. We have Scott – Not his real name but I will protect him from further embarrassment. That was almost 3 years. He was kind and gentle, thoughtful and understanding. Loved my children as his own. Career minded and intelligent. A bit of a Mommas boy but non the less he would saw off his right arm before he ever hurt me or the kids. He was by far the most giving man I have ever dated. He really did try to make our relationship work. Of course there were down sides. He had only been with 2 other women before me and one was a virgin. He lived with his parents and I was not allowed over to his house. He was insanely jealous and insecure about any man that came near me. He wanted me to dress and act like a prude woman that had no sexuality to me whatsoever except when it was alone time. I could not cuss or talk in a way that could be considered inappropriate. I couldn’t look around at a restraint or movie theater or we would inevitably get into a fight as I had to be looking at another man. Come to find out all his insecurities were because he had never really broke up with another woman. The excuse was he didn’t want to hurt her. He was my logical choice. And another bad one.

So now that my 3 relationships have been explained this is a chain reaction as to what will have in the future. Out of the 3 relationships I have never “fallen in love” with them. I have loved them for different qualities and differences but never head over heels crazy about them. If I had to choose as to which relationship was the worst by far it was the first. And from the looks of it I am picking better men. Are we doomed to circle in a rash of dysfuctionality or do we just settle for the best choice. Maybe I just want too much or maybe I am still waiting for the mythical fantasy of the “right” one. Maybe I should just be happy with the experiences that life has given me and enjoy the exploration. Falling in love will be the next topic… one day.