Falling in Love

When we are young and full of hormones unable to control what is going on with our bodies let alone our hearts, the feelings become overwhelming. I still remember in detail my first crush and my first heart ache. Some may say that I was too mature for my age and others may argue that I was too young to make that decision.
The first time I had sex I was not in love with him but I still remember him as if it were last week. I remember the details of his muscles. The gentleness of his touch and the passion of that kiss. I had some feelings for him but I was far from in love. In fact I only really cared when he called it off because I treated him badly. I made a vow that day that I would never treat anyone that way again. I will admit I didn’t treat him very well. He would have done anything for me and all I did was make fun of him and tell him he meant nothing to me.
There have been many men that have come into my life since then and some I had that fiery passion for. I started a pattern of falling in love with how they made me feel. That was not falling in love with the person. I began to look at everything they could be or that I needed them to be but not what they actually were. I guess in some way I became addicted to men. One after another after another. I stayed in terrible relationships and let them treat me badly because I made that promise to myself that I would never treat another man badly again. (one night stands and sex buddies not included) I cant recall how many times my life was turned upside down over another lost relationship. After a series of very bad relationships I met one guy that treated me a little too good. Romantic picnics in the park, rose petals on the floor, breakfast in bed, (ordered food of course he couldn’t cook), Champagne and Crackers with cheese, Little notes only to be found later. I called him my Angel. The one that took a broken me, hurt, alone and showed me how much more I deserved. One day he told me that he needed to work things out with his sons mother. I remember looking at him sad to loose him but happy to have experienced this. I finally understood that saying “it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all”. I wanted him to be happy even if it wasn’t with me. Even though I think if ever he was the one that got my heart in those few months. I gave him all of me except I never truly made love to him. That part I kept to myself. I don’t think I wanted him to ever know how much I cared for him in fear of loosing him.
When he left I looked at him and asked. “How am I supposed to go on from here? How am I ever going to find someone that treats me the way you do?” He stopped dead in his tracks, turned, walked to me and held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes and said “If this relationship meant anything to you at all, you will never settle for anything less than how I treated you.” Kissed me and walked away. I don’t think I ever cried as much as I did that night. We remained friends for a year or so. He would call me in the middle of the night and come by. Not for sex but because he was scratched up and beaten. I would look at him with his torn clothes and ask why he would be in a relationship like this. He would give me the same answer… To be a good father. I began sleeping with someone else but for the first time I was emotionally closed off. I would never let the new person in. In fact I pushed him away at every given moment. The sex was great but it was mechanically magnificent.
One day my Angel called me and told me that his sons mother was leaving back to California. He loved me more than I would ever know. I had just gotten back from the hospital that day with a migraine and was still suffering the after effects of the cocktail that eases all pain. I let him come by and I held him that night. Close and we had sex. I let myself feel all the love and compassion I had in me. I was elated that my Angel had come back home to me. I held him gently and rested my hand on his face as we slept. In the morning he left. Promised me that he would be back later and I didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks. I at that time told him I was torturing myself and I cant handle him coming in and out of my life like this anymore. I told him don’t call me until you know it is over with her completely. I hung up the phone and finally went to sleep with a clear conscience. A few days later I held my son and let go of ever falling in love again. I never wanted that in my life. That night I made amends with all my demons and let go. I wasn’t with another man for a year and a half.
That man was phenomenal. The most amazing experience of my life. I loved the sex and not so much the person. He would piss me off so badly and I would just come back for more. 7 hours would feel like 30 minutes. Multiple orgasms with ease. Touching and caressing one only sees in the movies. He could play my body like a fine tuned instrument. But when I left, I got on the plane and not a single tear left my eye. I had an anger in me that left me completely blocked to everyone. I had a fight of my life ahead of me.
Now there has been two relationships since then. Maybe I am now relationship material. Now that I don’t want one. I wont let myself love like that. I killed that part of me so long ago. But the irony is that I seem to find myself loosing them to other women. A pattern of infidelity. But I wasn’t too upset leaving either one of them. I was sad that time and dedication was put into them but looked at it very logically. I have never let myself be that emotionally attached since then.
Yet now I find myself feeling alive again. And when I say Alive I feel my veins pump with things that I thought were dead. Like a vampire that hasn’t fed in so long. The warmth pulsating throughout the very core of me. I have allowed myself to trust. I allowed myself to completely give my very soul in a single instant. I felt the trembling and the loss of control. I have experienced magic on a level I didn’t think was possible. But there is no one I would rather give this to. I let it all happen with my head. Now I must pull away. I must continue what realm of normality I have created with myself and live with un altered memories. The timing is completely off and maybe one day there will be a time for us. If there isn’t then this is my one experience of a lifetime and I cherish every second I had.

Abuse Vs. Dysfunction

The people out there that actually check this page from time to time are probably the same people who know me personally. I thank you for having a continuing intrigue to my personal thoughts.

My Mother and I were having a conversation the other night that led me to start writing this. She said that my choice in men have gotten better but I still have a habit of choosing men that the relationship is in some way dysfunctional. For those of you who know I was in a relationship with "Beautiful" for almost 3 years. That would be my second longest relationship. I have only had 3 real relationships in my life and they have inevitably had something terribly wrong with them.

1. Joe – First long term boyfriend. Tall, handsome, good sense of humor, and actually interested in me. Lets make a note that I was 17 when we first started dating. About 3 months into this relationship he called me a bad name. It started with a C and it rhymed with Hunt. I got out of the car that he was driving and proceeded to walk home (which was about 20 miles away). After weighing the which is worse scenarios I decided that I should forgive him for calling me that name. Very bad choice. I didn’t really know what love was but I guess this is it. My first boyfriend. Didn’t really know much about sex so I didn’t know what an orgasm was let alone that it wasn’t normal not to have one. I think toward the end I was happy that he was a 2 pump wonder. He would buy me roses and tell me he loved me. Then it escalated to the occasional pushing and the frequent kicking. But he never raised a hand to me but I still managed to be bruised and hurt. Not abuse, he never hit me. Never believe that excuse. He had full control of the money and full control of what I did. Even though I made most of the money and the car and house I paid for I had to deposit my check in the bank and he held the check book where I got an allowance for the week. Usually $50. That was gas, cigarettes, and food. Anything more than that was preapproved by him. Which made getting his birthday and Christmas present very interesting. Typically I would save $5 a week. Since his Birthday was in June that would give me 6 months between the 2. However nothing I got was good enough for him. Our relationship finally ended after he held me in mid air by my throat. After which he locked me in a closet. My vocal cords were permanently damaged by this incident which as he stated was not abuse.

2. Bobby – Well he is in here a lot. This was a 2 year relationship. Which as compared to Joe was a fairytale. He was analytical and he loved to debate. He never called me a name and never physically hurt me. In the bedroom he wasn’t up to the same par as a previous encounter but he by far wasn’t bad. He had his own insecurities and his own preferences that he enjoyed and or wanted. I was happy to accommodate for both. I did try to treat him really well as I did love him for who he was. I grew accustomed to the way he held me at night. Always so tight and so very warm. I loved the way he would make me breakfast and take me out. I enjoyed our 3 hour long conversations about nothing that always turned into some inquisitive debate. We had a lot in common mainly that we were just as lost and confused as each other. Over all I had passion, desire, love, and happiness with him. I never got bored of sex with him. Of course on that note he only would have sex no more then 2 times a month. Mostly it was only once a month. Apparently I was too difficult to please and he would get frustrated or bored. However that relationship ended twice as he cheated on me multiple times. I only caught him twice and after the second time I was finally done with him. The contracting of the STD from him 2 times was a wake up call and I thank god everyday that the HIV test came back negative.

3. We have Scott – Not his real name but I will protect him from further embarrassment. That was almost 3 years. He was kind and gentle, thoughtful and understanding. Loved my children as his own. Career minded and intelligent. A bit of a Mommas boy but non the less he would saw off his right arm before he ever hurt me or the kids. He was by far the most giving man I have ever dated. He really did try to make our relationship work. Of course there were down sides. He had only been with 2 other women before me and one was a virgin. He lived with his parents and I was not allowed over to his house. He was insanely jealous and insecure about any man that came near me. He wanted me to dress and act like a prude woman that had no sexuality to me whatsoever except when it was alone time. I could not cuss or talk in a way that could be considered inappropriate. I couldn’t look around at a restraint or movie theater or we would inevitably get into a fight as I had to be looking at another man. Come to find out all his insecurities were because he had never really broke up with another woman. The excuse was he didn’t want to hurt her. He was my logical choice. And another bad one.

So now that my 3 relationships have been explained this is a chain reaction as to what will have in the future. Out of the 3 relationships I have never “fallen in love” with them. I have loved them for different qualities and differences but never head over heels crazy about them. If I had to choose as to which relationship was the worst by far it was the first. And from the looks of it I am picking better men. Are we doomed to circle in a rash of dysfuctionality or do we just settle for the best choice. Maybe I just want too much or maybe I am still waiting for the mythical fantasy of the “right” one. Maybe I should just be happy with the experiences that life has given me and enjoy the exploration. Falling in love will be the next topic… one day.

Violent Radicalization and Homegrown Terrorism Prevention Act of 2007 (H.R. 1955)

What is Home Grown Terrorism?

Per H.R. 1955, "homegrown terrorism" is defined as "the use, planned use, or threatened use, of force or violence by a group or individual born, raised, or based and operating primarily within the United States or any possession of the United States to intimidate or coerce the United States government, the civilian population of the United States, or any segment thereof, in furtherance of political or social objectives." Click Here to view actual Bill.

What Is Violent radicalization?

The term ‘violent radicalization’ means the process of adopting or promoting an extremist belief system for the purpose of facilitating ideologically based violence to advance political, religious, or social change.

What is Ideologically based violence?

The term ‘ideologically based violence’ means the use, planned use, or threatened use of force or violence by a group or individual to promote the group or individual’s political, religious, or social beliefs.

Well Guess what Congress finds Violent...

The Internet has aided in facilitating violent radicalization, ideologically based violence, and the homegrown terrorism process in the United States by providing access to broad and constant streams of terrorist-related propaganda to United States citizens. **(Filtering the internet. You know we cant have American people have knowledge of what the government is doing to us.)**


Well bye bye Wikipedia, Digg, and anything that isn't preapproved by our government to see on the internet. We can't protest this or this could be a "planned act of Violence".

Ron Paul For President

I have never voted in my 30 years of being alive. I sat down and came to the conclusion that when I was born in 1977 there was Jimmy Carter. Who was that? Too young to know any better. Then I remember Ronald Reagen. Okay so he was an actor the only way I know that was from BACK TO THE FUTURE. Then George Bush.... Well I remember more than simple movies with him. Gulf War. The fear in Junior High. The new people dieing every day. That was scary times. But we had more important things to worry about like memorizing the words to "ICE ICE BABY". I would say Bill Clinton was the only one that I really took notice to. Maybe because I was finally over 18 and maturing slightly. Or maybe because we weren't at war. Gas prices were at $1.05 I don't remember whining so much about taxes being taken out of my paycheck as I do now. I do remember a bit of Calm with the chaos that surrounded me from everyday life. I started learning that our government lies to us and other conspiracy theories. Things that we have been taught as children to "say no to drugs" and not to lie. Stay proud and fight for what you believe in. Yet still being brought up on a Cinderella story that a man will take me away from all my problems. From what I remember I like Bill Clinton as president. He did a good job. Our country was out of debt and we had nothing really traumatic to have to deal with other than our own problems that we caused ourselves. Sure the police force is corrupt and the media only tells partial truths but Generation X was always the rebels. Living in our own world to change the repressed world into something far more accepting. Listening to our violent and sexual songs and expressing our sexuality in a way other than abstinence. No longer being quiet on issues of Rape or Abuse. We will change this world that we were given cause our parents were far to passive to really do the talking. Don't fight in school turn the other cheek or walk away. Yeah right life is different then when you were in school. Our big worry isn't the the poodle skirts or the platform shoes and if we were "square". Kids brought knives and guns to school and bulling wasn't a disease as it is now. Being picked on made us stronger. Still no real voting for Generation X as we knew that it was fixed anyway. So we let the big corporations and the "big boys" pick our leaders. Then we are faced with The president we have now. I can't talk bad about him on here as the "Patriot Act" could insure that I am imprisoned and tortured with no right to a lawyer. The Habeas Corpus is now effectively dead. Those of you who do not know what that means it is this : If the government chooses to, they can now jail you for life, without charges, without a trial, and without a lawyer.
Then there is other things that I found pretty scary. Please do your research and tell me if mine is wrong but these are some executive orders that came out:

Executive order # 10999 Allows the government to take over all modes of transportation- Your car, truck, van,-the city bus,airplanes, trains. Even equipment.
Executive order # 11000 Allows the government to mobilize civilians into work brigades under government supervision. (Government work camps!)
Executive order #11921 Provides that the President can declare a state of emergency that is not defined and Congress cannot review the action for 6 months.
A Treasury Department letter dated 8-12-05 states that the government has the power to seize all financial institutions' currency, gold, silver and everything else -if they deem an emergency exists.
With EO # 11921 that says the President can declare an undefined state of emergency.
Senate Bill # 1173- This allows the government to vaccinate you with untested vaccines against your will.
The Patriot Act permits:
*secret FBI & police searches of your home & office
*Investigations of your bank records, credit cards and any other financial records
*secret wire taps on your phone, computer and internet activity
* secret investigations of your library and book activities
*secret examinations of your medical, travel, and business records
*secret watch lists that can ban those named from air travel. (One college Professor was recently blacklisted from flying just for speaking out against the Iraq war!!)

Now this notion of the national ID Card or aka the Real ID have you seen what they want on this? This takes affect on May of 2008. No one without the card will be allowed to board a plane, Amtrak train, open a bank account or enter a Federal building. This bill also demands that all Drivers Licenses contain an RFID locater chip. They will know where you are... ALWAYS! There is even talk of getting your medical records on it and taking of your DNA. Anyone seen Gatica?

How far are we as Generation X going to let someone else rule our lives? Do you really think that Iraq was really the people who helped fly a planes into the twin towers? From what I remember is was Osama bin Laden. Yet the media can take pictures of him but we are too busy taking care of another country. They should have a right to live there life the way they want to. If they don't like their life ... Change it. If they don't like Iraq they should move. That is what our Founding fathers did. Crossed the ocean to find new land with new laws and be free people. I am not feeling so free these days. Our dollar is lower than Canadian dollars at $1.07. And 7 countries are thinking about not holding the US dollar. Do you realize how close we are getting to another depression? What would we do? We are so used to common things like computers and cable. That if we had to make our own food would we know how? What would we do if we had no Jobs? No real money? We have children now that we must fight for. What real life would we give them? Is this the world that we should have them live? I choose to fight. I choose to make my voice be heard and make a future for America that isn't what it is now. Why is Gas so expensive? Lets make converters of garbage and have that fuel the car heck Dr. Emmett Brown did this to time travel I am sure we are smart enough to make it so we can go to the grocery store and it will reduce waste piles. I am calling all Generation X. If another country came here and tried to take our freedoms from us would we lay down and let them? NO! We would fight with every breath of us and win. Lets not let our own country do it to us. Do your research find someone who will have the change that we love. Register to vote and lets show previous generations what we were bred to do. Lets let everyone at least hear the message of this guy. I don't agree with everything but I do agree that he can make a better change in America. Not continue this downward spiral for what our children will have to live with. My ideas are these:

Stamp our money. Like wheresgeorge.com
Stamp our envelopes to mail bills off with Ron Paul Stamps.
Put up our signs and bumper sticker our car.
Find something that we can contribute our knowledge to spread his word other than the internet.
Free Coffee for Ron Paul. Put a little coffee stand outside your house and get some cheap coffee and have a donation box and hand out flyers.
Educate one person a day on what this world is now and what it could be.
Get business cards and "accidentally" leave some in public places.
Lots of other people in other countries want to donate to this guy. Set up a pin pal site for people to connect and come up with something to do together.
Car washes for Ron Paul. Just get his word out there.
Set up a TV in a public place and just play his Youtube videos consistently.

Those are just some ideas. One thing we don't like as a people is forcing people into something like when we get a knock on our door from the 7th day adventist or the Mormon free bible but talk about religion for an hour. Let people come to you and they will be more open. But find something to draw those people to you. Fight for America as our Founders would have. Fight for what is rightfully ours. Fight for freedom.

Report A Cheater

Well Catchthecheater.com is doing well but we need people to put in information of infidelity. So if you or your friends know a cheater warn others before they fall prey to the same trap you did.

www.catchthecheater.com

CatchTheCheater

I am proud to annouce that Catchthecheater.com is now Open! Come check us out!

Catch The Cheater

Sorry for my delay on any new information on here. I have been busy yet again. However my website that has been long awaited by all my friends and family is now looking for Beta Testers. For those of us who have been cheated on, finally a website to catch them. Please tell your friends or use the source code provided to link people to this site.